


liar, lawyer

by graveExcitement (arachnids)



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Homestuck, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Gen, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 17:32:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14720534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnids/pseuds/graveExcitement
Summary: A liar and a legislacerator converse.“Hey, hey, Pyrope-chan -” Kokichi faux-gasped. “I can’t believe you don’t recognize me! I’m Batman, can’t you see?”“I cannot!” said Pyrope. “But I could be blind and deaf and dumb and still smell a liar!”





	liar, lawyer

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the intoabar ficathon, for the prompt "Kokichi Ouma goes into a bar and meets... Terezi Pyrope!"
> 
> Set post-V3 (beware of spoilers!)

Kokichi had almost forgotten what it was like not to be stared at in public. He didn’t quite have the notoriety of Saihara-chan, but the general public had not forgotten any of the contestants of _Danganronpa’s_ final season. Once he’d woken up from the simulation in which the ‘game’ had taken place and was released from the hospital, he’d felt eyes on him wherever he went, even in small, local coffee shops like this one.

Until the alien walked in. Then, just like that, no one was looking at him at all.

He watched with interest as the alien made her way to the counter, ordered a black coffee, and found an empty seat. She wore scarlet-tinted glasses and carried a cane, but didn’t seem to need it much. Her grey skin and orange horns made it obvious: she could only be one of the twelve ambassadors from the Alternian Empire who had come to Earth just over a year ago. If there was anything that could distract the world from the end of _Danganronpa_ , it was actual aliens. The same applied here; Kokichi was far from the only one silently watching the alien. For once, he was part of the crowd.

But that was boring! No fun at all!

In the wary silence, Kokichi grabbed his phone and his tea and darted his way through the room to drop into the chair across from the alien. Interestingly, she raised her head as he sat down - had she heard him, or did she notice him through some other sense? In any case… “Hope you weren’t saving this seat!” he said cheerfully.

“Something tells me you wouldn’t much care if I was,” she said.

Kokichi laced his fingers together behind his neck. “And miss the chance to meet a real life alien ambassador? Nooo way!” The other inhabitants of the coffee shop were now staring as much at him as they were at the alien girl. He heard their murmurs, and grinned. “So what’s your name? I can’t just call you Miss Alien forever!”

“Terezi Pyrope,” she said easily. “Yours?”

“Hey, hey, Pyrope-chan -” He faux-gasped. “I can’t believe you don’t recognize me! I’m Batman, can’t you see?”

“I cannot!” said Pyrope. “But I could be blind and deaf and dumb and still smell a liar!” She grinned widely, showing off her sharklike teeth.

“Hmm… I guess that makes me the Joker, then!”

“Does that mean I have to arrest you?” If anything, her grin grew wider. Interesting, Kokichi thought - how much of human culture was she aware of?

“Are you a cop then, Pyrope-chan? Do aliens have cops?” He giggled. “Not that I need to worry! I’ve never broken the law, or my name’s not Kokichi Ouma! Oh, wait. I guess one of those things was a lie, huh?”

A waiter came and silently brought Pyrope her coffee. She sipped at it with satisfaction. “The relevant position in my society is ‘legislacerator.’ You’re lucky this isn’t my jurisdiction, Ouma!”

“Oh man! I’d hate to be taken to alien court! I mean,” here he dropped his voice to a conspiratorial stage whisper, “here on Earth I lead a top-secret organization that can get me declared ‘not guilty’ anywhere in the world… but I don’t have anyone like that on Alternia!”

Pyrope quirked an eyebrow. “So you do know what my planet is called.”

“Of course I do! What, did you think I wasn’t paying attention?”

He’d eagerly drunk in any available information on the trolls - that was what the aliens called themselves. An alien civilization that, no matter how threatening it might be, at least had nothing to do with the planet he’d woken up on. The one that loved killing games.

She laughed. “You’ll find I know better than to underestimate my opponent!”

“Aw, are we opponents already?” Kokichi pouted. “And here I thought we were having a nice conversation!”

Pyrope grinned, more sharklike than ever. “I consider myself to be a seeker of truth. An instrument of Justice. Any conversation that’s so full of lies as this one is… qualifies as a battle!”

“Well, I am a liar,” he admitted cheerfully. “I guess you’re bound to oppose me, then! Hey, Pyrope-chan - aren’t you kinda young to be an ambassador to another species?” If trolls aged like humans did - and he didn’t have any evidence to support that speculation, other than the fact that they visually looked surprisingly similar - then Pyrope could barely be older than he was. Also, if she’d been much older, she probably wouldn’t have indulged his conversation like this.

“Aren’t you kinda young to lead a ‘top-secret organization?’” she shot back. _Ha!_ he thought gleefully. She _was_ young.

“Hmm…” He tapped his lips, pretending to think. “I guess that one might have been a lie. Or was it? You know, if you want in, all you have to do is ask! Normally my recruitment standards are pretty high, but you’re an alien, so you’ve already passed with flying colors!”

“Your lies taste like sour grapes!”

Kokichi leaned forward. “Anyone in this room, anyone in this city, on this planet, they know my name. Anyone who’s anyone knows me!” 

“Wow! For once, something you said smells like the truth.”

He giggled. “What does truth smell like?”

She appeared to give this matter serious consideration, and inhaled slowly. “Lavender,” she decided.

“Interesting! Well, if you want the pure, lavender-scented truth… I don’t have a _formal_ organization. But I could make one if I wanted to! I have lots of fans, you know! Hey, do you want to be the president of my fanclub? You can make all the other aliens jealous!”

“And why would someone like you have fans all over the world?”

“Someone like me? Aww… that’s so mean, saying a criminal mastermind can’t have fans, Pyrope-chan!”

She took a sip of her coffee, undeterred. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

Kokichi giggled. “You’ve been on Earth long enough to understand the whims of celebrity, right? Who knows why people love me? It’s a mystery!”

Pyrope was silent for a long moment. “I’ve been studying your culture. Especially your laws… and their exceptions. They really are quite fascinating!” She smiled, pointedly. 

Kokichi felt the smile slip from his face. _Murder is illegal. Murder is wrong. Unless you audition, and then you’re not just fair game, you’re worldwide entertainment._

Then he gasped, as dramatically as possible. “Pyrope-chan, does that mean you’ve known who I was all along? All this time you really were my number one fan - and you lied to me! I can’t believe it!”

“You assumed something that turned out to be false - that doesn’t mean I lied about it!”

“A lie of omission is still a lie! I know every kind of lie inside and out! But it’s okay - sometimes you have to lie to get to the truth! Oh, but…” He tilted his head in exaggerated confusion. “In that case, what truth are you seeking?”

“The truth at the heart of your civilization. Nothing less.” Pyrope grinned at him. 

“And what will you do when you find it? Is a legislacerator judge, jury, and executioner too?”

“If necessary.” She drank the last of her coffee. “Don’t worry, Ouma - I know better than to judge humanity based on a liar like you.” 

“Aw, you thought I was worried?”

There was a buzzing sound, and Pyrope drew an odd device out of her pocket. She scowled. “Unfortunately I can’t sit here and listen to your lies all day! You’re free to go, ‘criminal mastermind.’”

“If you say so! But Pyrope-chan, you never answered earlier - _do_ you want to be the president of my fanclub?” 

She stood up. “Would you be willing to be at least somewhat truthful with your number one fan?”

“Of course! Would I lie?” Kokichi smiled widely.

She snorted. “Didn’t think so!” But she flicked him a small, paper rectangle. Kokichi picked it up and realized that it was a business card - one with the most eye-searing colors he’d ever seen. In bright red text on the teal background, he made out a phone number, along with the words:

T3R3Z1 PYROP3

4MB4SS4SS1N + L3G1SL4C3R4TOR

When he looked up, Pyrope was grinning her shark grin. “Smell you next time, Joker!” And before he knew it, she was out the door.

 _Well then._ He spun the colorful card about in his fingers. The world was getting more interesting. He pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

"Hey, Saihara-chan, you'll never guess who I met today! And that's not a lie!"


End file.
